I couldn’t stop crying.
The last two weeks have been overwhelming. I’m starting a new business, preparing for a book launch, leading my team through the second half of the year, getting ready for back to school, and moving! Individually, these are all good things. One could say I am moving in my overflow, but what do you do when your overflow leaves you overwhelmed? Well, if you’re anything like me, you try your best not to complain because these are all things to be grateful for. You put on a happy face and you push through. But secretly, you’re thinking, "Lord, this is a lot." It’s like praying for a baby and getting four. Yes, you’re excited. Yes, you’re grateful. But the human side of you will more than likely begin to flood your mind with everything you have to do to manage your newfound abundance. At least that’s how my brain works.
So, as I’m trying to juggle it all, I found myself reflecting on the last blog I wrote. You know, the one where I was telling you about stepping out of the boat. The one where I was raving about Peter’s ability to try something new. Well, remember the part of the story when Peter started sinking as he was walking on water and Jesus asked him, “Why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). That was me. I was going underwater with my emotions. And if Jesus were to ask me why I doubted, my honest answer would look something like this:
I’m tired. I’m tired of walking and, quite frankly, the people in the boat look like they are chilling. They look like they are perfectly fine being carried, and I’m trying to understand why I am walking when I could be floating. I think I miss floating. I am doubting this whole walk-on-water situation. Why do I always have to be the one to try something new? Why did you make me like this, Lord?
I feel alone. I don’t see too many people out here “walking on water.” I feel like I’m always the only one doing something. And it’s a little lonely. And I’m starting to feel odd, and I don’t want to be odd. I don’t want to be the only one all the time. I don’t want to be the blueprint, the example, the black sheep, the golden child. I don’t even think I’m really capable of being the example. And I’m wondering if I’m even really a good example because right now, instead of showing people they can walk on water, I feel like I’m showing people how to drown. And oh yeah, I don’t know how to swim.
And finally, Lord, I now feel like I’ve disappointed You with my doubt. So now I feel like a total disappointment. I’m failing those who are watching me and failing the One who called me. Now, I feel like I just can’t get it right. Now I have doubt guilt.
So yeah, those were the gist of my responses I would give God if I was asked why I doubted. And as I was replaying the thoughts in my mind, I decided to listen to one of my favorite worship songs, "YET" by Maverick City Music, Chandler Moore, and Naomi Raine. In the song, the artist says, “I know I’ve come so far but got so far to go and with these brand new scars and broken heart it’s hard to really know if there’s a reason or if I’ll ever see it,” and I’m like, "God, that’s how I feel!" And then the song says, “His grace will never run out. His love’s an ocean where your shame is drowned.”
And I just couldn’t stop crying. Tears that mourn the boat I’m leaving behind. Tears that are in awe that I’m still walking. Tears of hope for what’s ahead of me. Tears that celebrate each step I’ve taken this far. Tears that realize this ocean is not to drown me or overtake me. This ocean is here to remind me of God’s overwhelming love for me. This ocean is drowning my shame. It’s drowning my fear. It’s drowning my anxiety. It’s drowning my sorrow. But it’s not here to drown me. And just when I felt myself going under, I felt His arm of comfort pulling me right back up. I’m not alone. There are people just like me stepping out of their boats. Leaving something. But more importantly, courageously walking towards something even greater. And sometimes the greater is overwhelming. Sometimes it feels out of reach. But just when you think you’ll never reach it, He reaches for you. And just like that, greater is closer than you know.
So, when you just can’t stop crying, don’t. Let the tears overflow from the ocean of love God has for you. Remember, it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It's okay to cry and release the weight of the world from your shoulders. Just know that in those moments of doubt and fear, God is with you. Keep walking on water, keep stepping out of the boat, and keep embracing the overflow. Greater things are ahead, and you are not alone in this journey.
I love yall! Please come join me at my book launch next Saturday. I miss seeing my sisters. Also, if you’re ready to step out of your boat and into your dreams, make sure you join our dreamer community at TTPDreamLab.com.
Love, Peace, and TEA!
Ebony
P.S. Let this song play as you get ready to enjoy your sabbath.
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